Cultivating Sexuality

I have been doing a lot of reading lately about self-improvement. I am not talking self-help books, but memoirs and novels with the theme of finding yourself, Zen peacefulness, your true calling, or happiness all in a neatly captured 200 pages. In the search for balance, that is inevitably the protagonists’ goal, there consistently seems to be a missing element: sex. I am not claiming that these story lines are sex-free, but sex seems to be a side plot or an afterthought. It seems that in developing their spirituality, these characters have neglected the development of their sexuality. I see a similar trend among my friends, particularly the females.

I am so tired of the notion that sex and sexuality is some secondary primal urge that we are to resist and hide rather than develop and cultivate. If we are seeking wholeness, than we are incomplete with out exploring our own sexuality. I think that sex and sexuality are intrinsically linked to our spiritual selves. I refuse to let archaic, repressed, (and quite often sexist) notions about female sexuality divide my sexual exploration from my spiritual growth.

It saddens me to think that even my progressive feminist female friends still feel the need to push their sexuality aside in order to dig deeper into self-improvement. How can we improve our whole selves when we subjugate parts of ourselves? What messages is society sending that makes us believe that sexuality and spirituality are mutually exclusive? How can I counter that exclusivity in myself, let alone help others discover that intersectionality?

I want my spiritual path to include sexual exploration. I want to know my sexual desires as deeply as I want to know my spiritual ones. This means I must think about, act out, and reflect on aspects of my sexual being with as much intentionality as I would on steps in a spiritual search. In fact I think that exploring sex is a step in a spiritual search. I seek guidance from the divine within in me on all matters of my life. Sexuality doesn’t tip the scale in the direction of shallow urges, it provides much needed balance in our search for self betterment and guides us on our path to enlightenment.

Got a (Wo)Man?

I am 27 years old and single. I sometimes find that my relationship status can make me a feel like a social leper. So many activities in San Diego, especially in the summer time, seem to be designed for couples. The romantic element imbedded in so much of the entertainment marketing just scream out, “Got a (wo)man? Why not?”

Even as the time changes and the weather turns a bit chill (for southern California anyway) I look back on some things I wanted to do this summer but didn’t because I was partner-less: moonlit kayaking on mission bay, a movie at cinema under the stars, even new restaurants and wine-tasting seems a little silly alone. It isn’t that I can’t be independent and do things on my own, or even that I don’t have friends who would enjoy these activities. It just seems they enjoy them with their respective partners. The thought of watching the infinite amount of cuddly couples (who would inevitably surround me at these events) while I sit alone just eliminates most of the appeal.

Halloween reminded me of my single-ness with its plethora of “couple” costumes. At the Halloween night party I attended, I was the only one who was not part of a couple. Even though I am pretty sociable and outgoing at parties, those odds are pretty intimidating. I don’t feel obligated to couple to hang out with my friends at parties but I am keenly aware that I am different.

What is with this subtle, yet pervasive anti-singleness? Is it my age? Does my proximity to 30 mean that I am part of a dwindling pool of singles who are sharing my experience? Is it just my friends? Is it San Diego? I just wonder how many woman have succumbed to the barrage of couples marketing and found themselves a lover almost solely out of the desire to avoid being alone.