I am Fat. It is Not a Secret.

I am a fat woman. No, really, I am. I can’t say I am proud of it, but I certainly acknowledge that it is true. I hate when people tell me I’m not, as if denying it will make it go away. Pretending I am not fat is one step away from pretending I don’t exist. When I say something about my weight or size, don’t patronize me by negating my weight. Don’t think it makes me feel better to hear, “oh no, you’re not fat!” Yes, I am. I am fat and that is real.

My thighs rub together and create holes in my pants. My arms stretch out the sleeves of t-shirts. When I sit down my belly rolls over the edge of my pants stretching out my clothes and contorting my torso into non-angular, non-geometric shapes. When I look in the mirror, I am hopelessly aware of the extra chin that exists on my face and my round rosy cheeks. My back is far from flat and bras dig in to make hilly curves that are apparent even through my T-shirt. My pear shaped hips are full of dimples and dips. My skin is soft and bulges in places that I constantly aware of. The only thing hard about me is my attitude. My soft curves are real.

I am not ashamed of my body. You shouldn’t be either. Just because I am fat, don’t expect me behave like I am grateful when you want to have sex with me. I like sex, but don’t expect me to be your secret lover because you are too ashamed to let the world know that you sleep with fat girls. Don’t you dare think that I am lucky just to find somebody who isn’t disgusted by my body. I deserve the same respect that all women deserve, not just the skinny ones. My curves don’t negate my right to healthy, egalitarian relationships and love from people who are proud of me. My sexuality is real.

I am fat and funny, but I am not your comic relief. I am not just like your little sister. My body doesn’t make it easier to hear the “let’s just be friends” line. I don’t want to be your token chubby friend. I don’t speak for fat girls, just because I happen to be one. Don’t tell me how impressive it is that I don’t care what people think of me. I do care. I just don’t conform to what you think I am supposed to look like.

Since when did fat and sexy become opposites in common discourse? I am hot shit and I am fat and that is real.